Time with John

One bittersweet and painful yearning that I have come to know coming from the passing of those we love is an enduring and anguished desire for more time, even if it would be for just a day or a few hours more with the ones we love. It seems that this life, filled with its endless duties and activities, is no substitute for having more time to spend connecting with those we love. And even though I will look on the time I spent with my brother with gratefulness, I will always long for more.

Uncle John and Joshua teaming up for a game of Guestures.

John stayed with us one Friday night in October. We were pleased he stopped by as we knew he could have traveled further that night, perhaps spending the night in Reno in order to get home sooner. In that short night John showed all of the traits that made him a much-loved brother, uncle, and friend. John had come in after 8:00 p.m. and had to leave us early the next morning for the long drive home to his family in Colorado. My sons were looking forward to their uncle’s visit all week. When he arrived they eagerly showed him their rooms, toys, cats, and new skills they had developed with yo-yos since he had last seen them that summer. They were clearly pleased that John was there, even if they were able to visit with him only for a couple of hours before they had to go to bed. Jami and I were, too. John was tired from a full day’s work and from driving from the bay area to our house in northern California. But even though he was tired, John took the time to talk with my sons, learning how their sports and school were going. Before 5:00 a.m. the next morning John was gone, and we were left wishing his visit could have been longer.

John was very smart. He applied himself in school, earning scholarships and performing well in college and graduate school. I recall my older brother’s studious nature when we were still at home, seeing his schoolbooks and assignments piled up neatly on his desk, and often observing a light in his room late at night while he completed homework. I believe he was the first of us to take honors classes. He even had a smart looking jacket for joining the National Honor Society in high school, which I thought was pretty cool. John’s hard working nature continued to motivate him to provide for his family, putting in long hours to make sure that Heidi and his children had the things they would need.

John was versed in a range of topics of scientific, technological, and mathematical in nature. He was pleased to learn that my sons had an aptitude for math and were expressing an interest in studying it in college, perhaps as mechanical engineers, in biotechnology, or as computer programmers, as John himself had done. He encouraged them to pursue this interest. The work he put in at school and in providing for his family was a great example for my sons of how hard a father and husband should work in school and in a career.

Hiking in Golden Gate State Park with John and Sebastian.

My brother was also great with kids and teenagers. This disposition was evident over 20 years go when he was a lifeguard and swim teacher in the summers as a young man. And anyone with children who spent time with John would no doubt have appreciated how engaging he was with even small children. My sons loved how fun their uncle was, enjoying his clever teasing and playful way, where John always wore a sly smile as his mind quickly thought of additional ways to make my boys laugh. John readily connected with children and was especially tender with his own young sons. Whether on a hike or an impromptu game of stickball in his backyard, John was always up to having adventures with his boys. He would often do this while holding hands with one of his sons or carrying the other on his shoulders and gently encouraging them along by lovingly calling, “Come on, Bug.”

John liked to talk. I started to appreciate this when I lived in Texas and I had opportunity to call John from time to time. During our phone calls I found that he was genuinely interested in what my work was like, how my wife and kids were, while he shared with me how his work was going and how his family was doing. At times during these calls we would also respectfully debate politics and religion, even though we had clearly different views on most of these issues. And when our travels allowed us to be together, with the kids asleep, we would talk for hours. Our conversations were interesting and usually unhurried, as is fitting with friends.

I still have his phone number in my contacts. I am most reluctant to remove it, wishing more than anything that I could call him again. I know those who also spent time talking with John will miss this too.

Heidi helping Sebastian see what his cousins are doing.

John and Heidi talked about everything. Jami and I would learn that they had thoroughly discussed the numerous domestic issues that come up in a young family that is in the midst of running a home and raising children. Both of them would laugh at the other’s take on a disagreement. In these discussions Heidi would call him, “Husband!” and he would call her, “Woman!” as part of their effort to persuade the spouse of the soundness of their own view while teasing the other one for theirs. These spats were never over serious issues, and Jami and I considered ourselves privileged that the two of them would humorously review their debates in front of us.

John was also devoted to and loved Heidi deeply. This was obvious to me when I was in college and I had not yet met Heidi, and would not for a few years. It didn’t take long for John to bring up Heidi in any conversation we had. This occurred for a period of 2 or 3 years with me never meeting Heidi due to our school schedules and due to a move that Jami and I did shortly after getting married. Invariably, every time I would see John or talk to him by phone he would bring up Heidi. I had not yet met her, and had I not received corroboration from my mom and siblings, I would have doubted that she existed. She seemed so perfect in John’s descriptions. 

Fortunately, I did get to meet Heidi after they moved back to Colorado. I now understood why John was always able to talk about her. It made sense; they were great together. We couldn’t help but think of the Heidi when we thought of John. John was very loyal to Heidi, being conscientious to do things that would benefit their marriage and working hard so that they could buy a house, even getting it remodeled, so that they could have the home that they dreamed of for their young family. 

A final trait that I wish to share about John was his sensitive nature. John cared about others, showing concern for their needs and feelings. One might not note this attribute in John when first meeting him because of his mischievous nature. After all, we often think of those who play pranks, although they may be funny, as showing a degree of callousness towards others. This was not so with John. He cared about what others thought about him. He considered the impact of his words and actions on others and would apologize if he hurt someone.

The young father playing with his first son.

Early the next morning in October I got up at 4:30 to cook John breakfast. He had a long drive ahead so I wanted him to eat something hearty. He informed me the night before that he had snacks, and really did not need me to get up. But I wouldn’t have had it any other way; it was a chance for us to talk. Over breakfast we shared plans for Christmas, looked at the weather conditions, and talked about getting together next summer when we anticipated that we would once again get our two families together. And even though I wished that he could have spent more time with us, it was a treat to have him over for the night. I never imagined that as I saw him drive away early that morning that I was seeing John for the last time. That would be the only time that John visited our home.

And more time is what we all would want. Time, I’ve realized, is one of our most valuable possessions. It should be spent wisely as it is the only asset we spend that we cannot exchange for something else should we discover that we invested it poorly. Time is also one of the greatest gifts you can give to someone else because, and when given whole-heartedly, spending time with another is a giving of oneself.

John’s death was tragic and a loss for his family, my family, and for numerous others who counted themselves blessed to have John as their friend. We all wish that we could have spent much more time with John. We all also grieve at the loss of the anticipated experiences that we know John would have brought to each of our lives were he still alive today. Now, with the time each of us has left, let us evaluate where we are investing it. May the memory of John Robert Todd motivate us to make the most of every minute, freely expressing love for our family and friends and fully living in the moments we have now. May we grow in our ability to measure the true value of what we spend our time doing and may that help us make the people we have in our lives the priority that they should be. And may each of us make time to be with Heidi and her boys to support them now and for the many years to come. I can think of no greater investment that John would want us to make to honor him than to spend time ministering to Heidi and to her sons, sharing memories of John and helping his sons to never forget how great and loving a man their father was. And as we see these two boys grow and take on those traits that we admired in our brother and friend, may we be on hand to affirm them in his sons. And I pray that God will bless these anticipated times, creating special memories for Heidi, Sebastian, and Oscar, that will cause John to live within each of their hearts forever.

 Overlook at summit of Golden Gate State Park trail with John, Sebastian, and my family.